|
Post by hsmom24 on Feb 1, 2011 16:25:25 GMT -6
I have a cousin that I grew up with (she's only 25 days younger than me), and she's in a really bad marriage. Her husband (doesn't deserve to be called a Dear Hubby, and we'll just refer to him as Scum) is a cheater and a druggy. So I got an email from her yesterday, and she wants to know if her, and her 4 kids, can come live with me until she "gets on her feet".
I'm all for helping people, especially family, but I'm a little perplexed about this. My DH and I have talked several times in the last year or two about asking her to come stay with us (after we found out what was going on with Scum), but we've always held back because we didn't want to end up resenting her, and getting stuck with permanent house guests. I know Scum wouldn't help out financially until ordered to by the courts, and even then, who knows. So I'm also a little worried about out getting stuck financially providing for 5 extra people.
There's so many thoughts and emotions flying around right now, that I just needed a place to get them out. The more I bring up little concerns to DH, the more he dislikes the idea. So I don't want to negatively`influence his choice, and end up turning away someone that God is calling us to help out.
She's said that she wants the kids to finish out school before she moves, so she wouldn't be here until summer. AND it looks like my DH will be deployed from April to August, so it might be nice to have someone else in the house. We think what we're going to do is tell her that she can stay for the summer, but she needs to be out and on her own by the time school starts up (for a couple reasons: #1 that's around the time when DH will be back from his deployment, #2 that's when we'll be starting school again, and I'd like the house back by then, and #3 we just feel like we'd need to set a firm timeline, while still giving her enough time to get things together).
Soooo....#1, would you please pray for wisdom for us, and #2, what would you do? Is 3 months long enough...too long?
|
|
|
Post by kews on Feb 1, 2011 17:03:49 GMT -6
We had my sister-in-law move in with us (she was 19) for a few months and it was not easy. You will loose ALL your privacy, etc. What I wish we had done was set guidelines. We ended up paying for all her food and whatever she used and she barely helped out.
What I would do is set a time line up, and 3 months is good. I would also set up a schedule or agreement of household chores (trust me you will begin to resent someone not helping at all, and 5 more people will add to the clutter) and also maybe see if she could help with groceries or some utilities, not a lot, just enough so you and her don't feel that she is taking advantage.
I will be praying for you.
|
|
|
Post by hsmom24 on Feb 1, 2011 17:28:28 GMT -6
Thank you for the prayers Kirsten, I really appreciate them. If we do let her stay with us, I really feel like we need to be prepared for us to cover the groceries and increased bills, because I just don't know what she's going to have for money. I assume that she'll be able to get set up with food stamps and state help, but I don't know when or now much. We'll definitely have to set up a schedule for chores, because she may not be able to help out when it comes to the money, but she's more than capable of cleaning up after her own children.
She needs to get out the situation she's in, but I also need to protect my home and family. Arg! This is sooo hard! It doesn't help that she lives in a different state right now, so I'm not even sure that she can get started on trying to get state help right now, so things are set up when she leaves. And Scum is super controlling and reads all her mail anyways, so she's paranoid about trying to get things started yet. *sigh*
|
|
|
Post by carrie1013 on Feb 1, 2011 17:31:07 GMT -6
Kirsten has good advice and experience on this.
Do you have enough extra space for a family of five so that both your family and hers can have some private space? Having that many children under one roof when there are two sets of parenting styles going on (unless she has the same outlook you do) could be troublesome. Who gets after who's kids when they inevitably get into a disagreement or do something that is not allowed in your home? What you consider a "big" no-no, may be no big deal to her (again I am just putting ideas out there). I am so used to managing children from being a teacher I can sometimes go into teacher mode at family events and get a dirty look from some SILs who let their perfect angels tear doors off the kitchen cupboards, throw matchbox cars at light fixtures, hit others or write on walls. Sharing space could be very stressful on your children especially once the newness wears off.
I do not know what I would do in that situation but would need to put the needs of my family first, while compromising to help her out to the best of my ability. Once they are in your home and you have set guidelines and agreements you are sort of stuck for the duration. Many prayers for you and your family this is a big decision!
|
|
|
Post by kews on Feb 1, 2011 17:34:49 GMT -6
Leslie- she can get on state assistance as soon as she moves, though they will either want her employed or on unemployment (sucks for stay at home moms). She will not be able to get any assistance until she gets to your house as well. Oh I would recommend that she get a PO box and use that for her address, that way you do not get any of her mail to your house (that is what my parents had us do, that way there address did not show on any of our stuff). She can also get a free google voice number to use with a local phone number, she would have it ring your house, but then again you are not having your number linked to her.
Since you feel having her pay anything just would not work, then definitely have her help with chores. It is great that you can be able to help her.
|
|
|
Post by kews on Feb 1, 2011 17:36:38 GMT -6
Oh and I not only had my sister-in-law live with us for 5 months, but Dh and I also lived with my parents for the first 4 months of our marriage and then all 5 of us lived in 1 room in my parents house for 3 months when we moved to Fl. So ask me anything you want to know about the ins and outs of family living with you.
Ground rules and organization will be your sanity
|
|
|
Post by hsmom24 on Feb 1, 2011 17:40:30 GMT -6
Yes, we definitely feel SO blessed that we're in a position where we can even entertain helping her, and that she'd ask us. That's a good idea about the PO box. We'd thought about the fact that we didn't want our phone number or address associated with her, and thought that we'd either get her a trac-phone type cell, or tell her she needed to have provide her own. Hadn't thought of the PO box though, thanks!
Do you know if she'll have to provide mine, DH's or our kids' personal information on any forms she'll fill out for state assistance? I have NO problem with state assistance, and we've even used the medical before, but I just want to know if we're somehow going to be linked with that in the system. When DH was thinking of getting out of the military, and we were staying with my mom and dad, I think I remember that I would've had to provide their info on the papers if I applied for assistance, but I can't remember for sure.
|
|
|
Post by kews on Feb 1, 2011 17:45:09 GMT -6
she will have to give them info on who she is living with, who is in the house, but make sure she "says" she is paying rent. I think she may even need your financial income info, but you could always call and ask how it would work in that situation. But it would only be temporary on her file. When we had SIL living with us, we had to include her in our medical info, even though she was not gonna be getting it.
Also do the free google voice, she can keep one number for wherever she lives and just have calls forwarded. That is what we do so that way if we move our number does not change, and we do not have to have another bill.
|
|
|
Post by hsmom24 on Feb 1, 2011 17:45:50 GMT -6
Funny thing is, we just moved into this house almost 2 months ago, and before that we stayed with my MIL for 4 months and my mom for 4 months. (we gave up our house on base because DH was supposed to be deployed for 8 months, then get out of the military...lol...didn't happen that way, and it too us forever to find and close on a house) So I definitely get the living-with-family stress (didn't we JUST get out of that???). I agree with you, that ground rules *need* to be set in place.
|
|
|
Post by tiffmw10 on Feb 1, 2011 23:22:33 GMT -6
Leslie - prayers go out to you, her and her children.
AFM, if I were in this place, I would offer a place for her to stay, but ONLY under a contract for a certain amount of time to get on her feet. If you and your DH can compromise without putting your own home in jeporady, I'd definately talk more about considerating it. Also, this could add stress to your TTC and are you willing to do that?? There are so many factors. She needs to get out for her and her kids safety and I think by providing that to her will give her hope and a new beginning.
|
|
|
Post by hsmom24 on Feb 2, 2011 0:00:37 GMT -6
Carrie, I'm sorry, somehow I didn't see your post until now. Yes, we definitely have enough room to house another 5 people. It'll be a little tight, but definitely doable. Our parenting styles do seem different, but I think that we at least see eye-to-eye on the big things.....hopefully. Tiff, I'm really not worried about the stress being added to TTC, since DH will be deployed out of the country at that time. I definitely agree that we need to have a set timeline, and my DH and I are leaning towards telling her she would need to be on her own by the time school starts. That would give her 3 months here, and I would think that's enough time to get things sorted out...right?
|
|
|
Post by tiffmw10 on Feb 2, 2011 0:09:22 GMT -6
I agree, 3 months is plenty of time:-)
|
|
|
Post by kews on Feb 2, 2011 5:24:09 GMT -6
Leslie, it sounds to me like you guys have thought this out and are set. But more it sounds like if you did not do this then you would feel like you are not doing what you are supposed to be doing, not doing what God calls you to do? I will keep this in my prayers.
|
|
|
Post by hsmom24 on Feb 2, 2011 10:37:14 GMT -6
Kirsten, that pretty much sums it up. I feel like we need to help her, but I'm worrying over the details. I know I shouldn't, because God already has it worked out, but I just want to be fully prepared for what is coming our way. KWIM?
|
|
|
Post by Jennifer on Feb 4, 2011 13:49:28 GMT -6
Leslie, I think that sounds like a good compromise, just for the summer. And your right I think I would enjoy the company if my DH was deployed!
I will be praying for you guys and that you choose the best thing that works for you guys!!
|
|