My little rantings

[lifesabeach]

Ya know what the hardest part for me is? Facebook. You'd think I would just delete my account because every other day someone is having a baby, getting PG or posting more pics of their ever growing families. It just seems like every person I know is having a baby. Cousins, friends, cousins friends neighbors, lol, you get my drift. None of my close group of friends is married yet, somehow I'm the only one. But DH and I have been together for 5 years, and married for 4.5 of those. I'm just at the point where I'm over the waiting.

I'm sure it's not easier if you have other kids, but it is so difficult when you are raising someone else's kids, but aren't able to have your own. Sometimes I feel like the world is trying to tell me to give up, I wasn't meant to have children. I've always had a feeling in the back of my mind that something was wrong with me, fertility-wise. Then I met and married DH, who had had a V. Then we have the VR, and it doesn't work. Then when we finally make the very difficult decision to try IUI with DS, I find out I have some freak uterus deformity and I was born with it. I know it's not incredibly uncommon now, but I had never heard of a Mullarian Anomaly or heart-shaped uterus before yesterday.

So now we wait another month until my surgery. There's one of two things they'll find when they scope me that day. Either I have a Septate Uterus, which they can cut out the septum that is dividing it in half, or it is truly heart shaped (bicornate) and there's nothing they can do surgically. If it's a bicornate uterus, I can still get PG, but I'll be a high risk pregnancy and most likely be on bed rest for the second half to prevent pre-term labor because the baby doesn't have a lot of room to grow/move because of the shape.

See why I'm almost at the end of the rope here? I've decided that we'll try 3-4 cycles of IUI with DS, and if nothing happens, we're done TTC. We already want to foster/adopt so we will just do that. I don't care at this point how we go about having a child together, as long as we get to do it together.

[nancyls69]

Understand completely! I am right with you lately. My attitude about it all just stinks. I love my step kids...especially the youngest. Am very close to him and have been here for the last 11 yrs of his 17 yrs of life...but, I am still not his mom. My dh and I have had some issues lately in how we discipline etc and I finally realized that no matter what I do,,,I really don't have much of a say. He may tell me I am the only mom he has really had, but then something like the disagreement that we had happens, and then it slaps me in the face. I am much older than you, so feel like I should've done something sooner and now it might be too late. Don't give up hope yet....I know you probably get tired of hearing it, but you are still young enough and it will happen for you. Lucky for you, your dh is willing to do ds....mine is not. Not sure what my next step is in the ttc process, but repeating SA in a month or two and then will go from there. GL with your surgery and ttc....so hard to stay positive, but we have to try

[lifesabeach]

Oh Nancy, I do hope the meds help your DH's count!

Being a step-mom can be the worst sometimes. My DH's ex is a nutcase, like absolute psycho. We have 50/50 custody now because the county we live is so backwoods. Our attorney is awesome though, she told us DH's ex is the worst ex she's ever dealt with in her 15+ years as an attorney. She also told us if we lived in the next county over, BM would be lucky if she got every other weekend visitation. So we deal with her antics the best we can.

That all said, she is the girls mother, and they love her even though she is nuts. I get that. But when I'm the one taking them to Dr. appointments, orthodontist appointments, staying home when they are sick, buying their clothes, studying with them, etc I feel a little cheated. They love me, but I'm always "just" the step-mom. I don't try to replace their mom, but I have to pick up the slack because BM doesn't do anything for them. In fact, she does less than nothing for them, she hurts them by selling their clothes we buy, taking their chore money, not to mention she doesn't even keep them on her weeks. 5 out of 7 nights on her weeks they are at friends houses. It's sad.

[shell2011]

I understand what you mean about all the pregnant people - they are everywhere, lol! For me, I feel like a new person announces they're pg every Sunday we go to church. Unlike you ladies, though, I do have 3 children of "my own" so I cannot imagine how painful this process is for you. I really believe that God is bigger than all of this and that He does hear our prayers. I continue to petition Him to bless you ladies with babies. Don't give up and keep praying. I am reading this book about praying by Paul Miller and it is excellent. Love to you both!

[nancyls69]

So true about being a step parent. My dh has custody of them (only 1 left at home), so I have always been the one to do the crappy things of everyday life and then she would have them in the fun summer or Christmas break.

Shel...Thanks! It is always such a bummer for all of us when AF shows month after month. I try to have better faith, but sometimes it falters.

[lifesabeach]

So the other day I had a little break down of the mental type. I'll preface this by saying I'm not a particularly religious person. But I feel like fate/God/Worldly Spirits/Whatever brought DH and I together for a reason. I feel like maybe through all these crappy things we've been trying to fight something that wasn't supposed to happen in the first place.

DH already had his V when we met. It took us 4 years to be able to get it reversed. It didn't work. Now we find out I have some freak birth defect that has probably prevented me from ever getting pregnant. So this is what makes me wonder and ponder that maybe there is something guiding my life. Why DH? Why someone who couldn't have children? Was it because it was already "known" I couldn't have children? I'm not complaining about finding DH because he is the love of my life, but I can't help but wonder if this was always "the plan" then why does it hurt so bad?

The only thing I can ever remember wanting for my whole life is to be a mother. I wanted to get married and have lots of babies. As a kid I wanted to be a teacher and a pediatrician and anything else related to children. I've been a nanny and helped raise two of the most beautiful perfect girls. Now I'm helping raise another set of beautiful smart girls. So how come I get to raise other people's children, but not my own? Why don't I deserve that? Why don't I get that chance?

I know it's not over yet, but why do 14,15,16 year old girls get pregnant on accident and they can't even begin to take care of a child, when I've been perfectly ready for years? Why does this path feel so lonely and difficult? What am I supposed to take from this?

I'm not expecting answers to fall from the sky. I know this is something I need to learn to work through. I wish I had the faith that some of you do to be able to trust in God. I just don't know how to do that.

[nancyls69]

I don't have the best of faith either. I try, but don't understand why it hasn't happened, but so many young people and others who shouldn't reproduce have no problem getting pg. It is hard to remember what they always say "God is in control". Something that is hard for me to always believe. Thinking of you

[lifesabeach]

Nancy, back at ya. I'm always hoping for everyone to have their miracle.

I'm on another message board for step parents and this lady posted a few days ago that her 14 year old SD is 18-20 weeks pregnant. I read that and just got sick to my stomach. It's just not fair.

[nancyls69]

No 14 year old is ready to give birth let alone be a parent. I agree with you...so unfair. Why can't it be easier for us??? I see it in my job too....makes me crazy sometimes.